Written By:
Linwood Atkins
Dating Coach/Matchmaker
@The Millennial Dater
I’m a huge fan of the Netflix series, “Love Is Blind.” A dramatic, yet binge-worthy reality show in which singles make a love connection, and agree to a marriage proposal, before seeing each other face-to-face. The premise is genius. Each participant must focus on connections formed through conversations rather than physical attraction.
In a perfect world, this would be ideal. We would value compatibility over appearance and pursue relationships based on genuine connection. Physical flaws would be overlooked, and superficial standards would be non-existent. Your dating pool would become larger, and my job would be easier.
But sadly, this is not how dating works….
Physical attraction often serves as the catalyst that creates the motivation necessary for dating. Without it, we demote a potential connection to the “friend zone” and eliminate any chance of romance. Therein lies a simple truth worth mentioning: as humans, we can be shallow by nature. If we like what we see, we decide to date someone, but only after assessing their level of attractiveness.
But have we been doing this wrong? Appearance matters. However, my concern is that our focus on physical attraction has skewed our priorities and overshadowed our pursuit of love.
The Weight Of Our Desires
Attraction is not universal, so desire varies from person to person. Since we all appeal to different people, the significance we place on these desires should also vary. I meet countless singles who naively direct these desires toward the wrong people. As a result, they develop false expectations that leave them waiting in vain.
When choosing a partner, it’s important to keep our desires neutral. Although certain physical preferences are natural, being solely driven by them can have many negative consequences. Here are three prevalent issues that can occur when we prioritize physical attraction.
We Settle For Less Than We Deserve: When hyper-focused on physical traits, we inadvertently expose ourselves to incompatible partnerships. These relationships typically lack depth because they disregard the values that are most important to us. By choosing to nurture them, we undermine those principles and settle for less than we deserve. Depending on your current dating goals, this may or may not be an issue. But if you want a stronger, more meaningful bond, consider your approach and concentrate on the core values you seek from a partner.
We Make Decisions Based On Short-Term Pleasure: In today’s over-sexualized society, satisfying one’s cravings and passions often takes priority over other ambitions. As a result, many people seek partners who can fulfill their immediate desires hoping that the same individuals will meet their emotional and relational needs. I believe this happens unknowingly. When pleasure feels like a necessity, it becomes embedded into our priorities, causing us to chase shallow, short-lived encounters.
We Pursue Partners Beyond Our Reach: This is a tough pill to swallow, but let’s face it: We are not a match for everyone, and some people are simply out of our league. It doesn’t make them better than us; it simply means we are not aligned. When two people are not aligned, they have differing goals and ambitions, which make them incompatible. We’re humbled when we ignore the signs and trudge ahead. In turn, we’re left with a cycle of bad dates, heartbreaks, or ghosting that leaves us confused and questioning our self-worth.
How To Choose From A Balanced Perspective
Since love isn’t blind, we must acknowledge the importance of physical attraction in a successful relationship. A strong physical connection can deepen the bond between partners and contribute to the overall satisfaction of the relationship. How do we manage our emotional and physical needs and choose a partner from the correct point of view?
First, we must clearly understand what is physically appealing to us. Attraction goes deeper than facial features, curves, or pectoral muscle. Swagger, or the confidence someone portrays, has the potential to override physical characteristics. Regarding attraction, it’s often not just the physical attributes that draw us in but the overall impression conveyed.
Second, identify those core values you seek in a partner. This can include, but is not limited to; religious views, political views, and mutual interests. A shared perspective in these areas and physical attraction will spark chemistry. Once you have identified these values, allow them to spearhead your search. Filter out all potentials that do not align and leave no room for compromise.
Finally, allow the combination of what you find attractive and your core values to determine who you choose to date. Although this method does not guarantee love, it can assist you in forming more meaningful connections. And better connections increase the likelihood of meeting someone who truly complements you.
If love were blind, it would disregard the physical and solely focus on core values. But in reality, physical attraction plays a significant role in relationships. Balance is the key. But we must also acknowledge and embrace what we find attractive. Denying or suppressing these feelings will only lead to dissatisfaction in the long run.
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